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#1 26-05-13 19:46:44

sally
Member
Registered: 26-05-13
Posts: 9

Have licence.....scared to drive

Have licence..... scared to drive

I am 46 and passed my driving test in my 20's. I had a car for a couple of months but hated every trip out in it. I used to wake at 4.30am and drive through town( for no purpose just for experience) as it was quiet then. I have had lots and lots of lessons after passing in the hope of gaining confidence to go solo. Unfortunately never did. I have always got on well with my instructors and had no bad experiences. The instructors have always said I'm a fair driver and when I passed the examiner said "Youre a good little driver" so no negativity from others.

I have had hypnotherapy twice and psycodynamic counselling neither made any difference. I think what I'm trying to say is that I am very ordinary, an unremarkable woman with average responses and regular judgement. I have a happy normal life but for this one thing.

I am very very ashamed that I dont drive and feel I have not given my kids the benefits that others have. Though we are a close and loving family and never once have they complained. My husband is a real car fan and has a real interest in them.  He feels sad for me but just thinks I should resign myself to the fact that I dont drive and that I shouldnt make myself miserable about it. I'm very lucky to be surrounded by people who are sensitive about it and never, ever put me under any pressure.

It would be the proudest moment of my life to get into a car and feel normal, free and independent .

Suggestions please ???




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26-05-13 19:46:44

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Re: Have licence.....scared to drive




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#2 27-05-13 07:54:53

Lewinpeter1
Verified Member
From: Morpeth,Northumberland
Registered: 17-01-09
Posts: 803
Website

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Hi
I am no phsycologist but it seems to me there MUST be a reason behind this issue.
Without knowing you it is difficult to help.
What area are you from.
Sometimes you just have to roll your sleeves up and get on with it[even when you dont want to].
Every one who has driven with you says you are ok including the dsa;the only person who doubts this is you.
SO:start today,get those keys out and start the engine.
Peter smile


Dont press that,oh @@##!

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#3 27-05-13 08:14:57

Evan
Administrator
Registered: 27-12-09
Posts: 2,058

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

First thing you need to do is make a checklist of things that you feel prevent you driving.
The desire to drive is there, you have proved that because of the follow up lessons, and also the fact you have started a thread asking for help both positives.

I am working with a female pupil at the moment, she passed 7 years ago and did not enjoy driving. I am structuring the lessons in such a way that she writes down what she sees as her weaknesses and what she wants to work on between lessons.

If you make a list for us and post on here, maybe we can help.

One way I have helped my pupil is by getting her to drive to places she goes to regularly. This week is was the gym and bay parking between cars, something she was worried about. She will now practice what we did last lesson with her mum in the car and let me know any problems when I see her next.

The trick I think is to face your driving fears in small chunks, think about where you are going to drive to, plan the route, think about parts of that route that worry you and why.

It may well be worth employing the help of a good ADI ask if you can meet and chat with them so you can make them aware what your goals are good luck, stay in touch.

Remember you have made the first positive step by posting.

Last edited by Evan (27-05-13 08:17:36)

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#4 27-05-13 08:38:55

RobC
Verified Member
From: Nr Ormskirk Lancs
Registered: 28-01-09
Posts: 765
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Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Remember youre not the only one, Ive recently had a lady in her late 30's pass her test who was very nervous particularly in the test situation.

On the test day at my suggestion she did some of her yoga exercises in the test centre car park much to the amusement of others, It did the trick though and she passed and she is now fearlessly driving at 100mph + on the wrong side of the road.

(BTW she now lives in Germany)

Last edited by RobC (27-05-13 08:44:46)


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#5 27-05-13 14:16:32

sally
Member
Registered: 26-05-13
Posts: 9

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Thank you all for your responses. It was very kind of you to take the time to post. I found them all helpful.

Peter- If there is an underlying reason (which I accept is a likely posibility) I dont know how to access it,my therapist who I went to for help thought it was something quite separate from driving but after a great deal of therapy costing thousands of pounds we never got to the bottom of it. I truly would love to "just do it" but it feels to me as dangerous jumping into a snake pit ! I live in south Birmingham big_smile


Evan - If I think about driving and the problems I might face I beleive that I am dangerous, even though I havent a shred of evidence to support this, it is completely irrational, though very real to me. If I imagine being the only person on the road I have no fear of operating a vehicle as there would be no one I could cause harm to. 

Rob- The yoga thing must have been a funny sight ! Good on you both for getting it right.

Blind spot- Your photo made me laugh ! That is just the sort of situation I think I would end up in. Yup I know William Hill wouldnt give me very good odds on encountering an elephant in the road in Birmingham but my addled brain cant even separate this from reality.

I think what you all have said is that I have to actually drive  and as scary as this is for me I absolutely know you are right. (Damn you all !!!!!) I dont want to hear this but I am using everything else as a diversion to not do it. However I dont feel able to face local traffic.........So what do you think to this : I have found a company in Scotland that deals with nervous drivers the instructor takes you to a rural area where you drive until you have the confidence to enter an area with light traffic and builds you up gradually in bite sized chunks. I intend to contact the company before embarking on anything. Do you think this is a good idea ? Can you foresee problems with this?  Cheers Sally

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#6 27-05-13 15:43:43

RobC
Verified Member
From: Nr Ormskirk Lancs
Registered: 28-01-09
Posts: 765
Website

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

sally wrote:

So what do you think to this : I have found a company in Scotland that deals with nervous drivers the instructor takes you to a rural area where you drive until you have the confidence to enter an area with light traffic and builds you up gradually in bite sized chunks. I intend to contact the company before embarking on anything. Do you think this is a good idea ? Can you foresee problems with this?  Cheers Sally

Hi Sally

Yes, I foresee problems with the drive up to Scotland  yikes

But seriously I have family in Solihull and Dorridge so I know that there are rural areas around where you live and there will also be ADIs who specialise in nervous pupils, so why not contact a few and try a local ADI that you like?

Im not in your area but most if not all ADis deal with nervous pupils and offer refresher courses tailored to your needs.

My Refresher Course

Rob

Last edited by RobC (27-05-13 15:51:28)


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#7 27-05-13 15:56:54

VandADI
Administrator
From: Coulsdon, Surrey
Registered: 29-02-04
Posts: 7,596

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

I agree with RobC, Scotland is a long way to go to, there are instructors in your area that can help you, who will be able to gradually build up your confidence into bite size chunks. smile
Try http://www.mb-drivingacademy.co.uk/uk/e … TopUp.html

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#8 27-05-13 16:28:39

sally
Member
Registered: 26-05-13
Posts: 9

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Thank you Rob and Vand

I wasnt very clear in my post I was going to get the train to Scotland and stay there for a week and do a specialist course. The thought of driving there, oh my, I have palpitations at the thought of it !

I take your point though about there being quieter areas local to me. I just thought it might be megga deserted there and that makes me feel safe. Thank you both for the links I will have a good look at them

Thanks again for the help, Sally

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#9 27-05-13 17:00:28

RobC
Verified Member
From: Nr Ormskirk Lancs
Registered: 28-01-09
Posts: 765
Website

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Hi Sally

I was joking about the drive up to Scotland! Any local ADI to you will be able to give you the appropriate level of instruction and wont put any pressure on you which will take you out of your comfort zone. If you havent driven for a long time an ADI will take you somewhere very quiet at first for as long as it takes to build your confidence up and all you have to do is have a chat and tell them your circumstances.

Maybe your kids or friends could recommend a good local ADI who you can contact and have a chat to discuss your needs with?

Rob

Last edited by RobC (27-05-13 17:02:41)


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#10 27-05-13 17:21:10

sally
Member
Registered: 26-05-13
Posts: 9

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Sorry Rob Re read your post ! (blind to the joke) Must have been so horrified at the thought of the drive I had to deny it might happen in print !

BS  You make a valid point about  an instructor treating me like a learner would not help my confidence,however I dont have the confidence to drive without one.  So I guess what I have to do is research and find someone who understands my needs and make a plan around that

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#11 30-05-13 21:03:38

la.monikita
Verified Member
From: SE LONDON / KENT
Registered: 12-03-05
Posts: 3,064

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Hi Sally,

You're not the first one, but one of many that have come across. I will not post on the forum but will send you a PM. My new website is not finished yet, but you can see a documentary that have made and you can read my case studies and testimonials from people whom I have helped. Your will to succeed is the road to your success. I live in SE London.


"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself."
Abraham Maslow

21st Century Women http://www.loisontheloose.com/my-advent … /the-team/

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#12 31-05-13 15:22:42

sally
Member
Registered: 26-05-13
Posts: 9

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Cheers for that Monikita, I looked at your site and it made me realise how many people suffer from this fear.
I'm not on facebook so unable to gain access to the other bits and pieces you recommend I read. However what I could access was really interesting and encouraging. You are such a positive soul and have researched your stuff thouroughly. You seem to understand that what people like me need is something different/alternative/extra from what I have previously done.

I have  already booked in with an instructor who will visit me. He specialises in nervous/phobic drivers.  So at least I have done something positive. I will see how I get on and as Blindspot suggested not give up until I get what I want. So don't discount a call from me.

You have all really helped and encouraged me. I'll let you know how I get on

Sally

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#13 31-05-13 15:55:22

brod
Banned
Registered: 20-03-13
Posts: 694

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

I am very very ashamed that I dont drive

Hi Sally. Firstly you need to get this thought out of your head ASAP.
There are so many people in your situation you would not believe it.
Towards the end of last year i took on a lady who is the wife of a friend of mine she was in exactly your position. We had a chat after her husband asked if i could help her. One of the first things i did was to ask her to list all the things she felt was putting her of driving. We arranged to have a one hour lesson very early one Sunday morning when no traffic was on the roads. She brought the list with her and we decided to address each issue on the list one by one and bit by bit. After this first session together she said she felt as though she was a learner all over again, i told she was a learner all over again and not to feel embarrassed by it.
Cut a long story short we continued these sessions every other Sunday very early for the next 2 months, we then progressed to doing the sessions later on the Sunday with more traffic. In April of this year she decided to drive their own car to Liverpool docks on her own and both me and her husband would follow in my car just in case she bottled it.
She got to Liverpool docks and felt really good, now i see her nearly everyday driving in a little Corsa.
This was a friend so no charge was made.
Have a chat with some local ADIs you could suggest one of them do the same as i did, though you would probably need to pay.
Good luck but remember, NEVER feel ashamed

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#14 31-05-13 16:26:36

sally
Member
Registered: 26-05-13
Posts: 9

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

awww Brod ! Thank you so very much for that. It makes such a difference to me reading about others who have overcome the very thing I so desparately want to overcome. It really gives me hope. I am so jealous of the lady you speak about yet also deeply hopeful that I could do the same. Pootling around in a Corsa! I would give my high teeth for that.

The more I read on here the more evident it appears that it really is a bit by bit approach. And as obvious a solution as that sounds I have never broken it down in to little steps. The way I looked at it you either drove confidently/proficiently or you were rubbish. Thank you again for posting, it really means a lot and is so helpful. I'll update on my progress.

Cheers Sally

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#15 31-05-13 17:28:00

brod
Banned
Registered: 20-03-13
Posts: 694

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

No problem Sally, pleased to help and offer any advice.
Just out of interest what area do you live? and what was the company in Scotland called? smile

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#16 31-05-13 18:14:45

sally
Member
Registered: 26-05-13
Posts: 9

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

I live in Bournville west mids. the Scottish company I considered was Scottish driving school .com but after taking advice from the forum here I decided to stay local and to contact Nervous drivers the instructor is Dave Wilkinson and he is coming to my home for a discussion then practical in his car. Will let you know how I get on. Several people have suggested I try in an automatic car,as they say there is less to think about when operating . I have never driven an auto. Food for thought.

Sally

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#17 31-05-13 20:03:27

la.monikita
Verified Member
From: SE LONDON / KENT
Registered: 12-03-05
Posts: 3,064

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

sally wrote:

Cheers for that Monikita, I looked at your site and it made me realise how many people suffer from this fear.
I'm not on facebook so unable to gain access to the other bits and pieces you recommend I read. However what I could access was really interesting and encouraging. You are such a positive soul and have researched your stuff thouroughly. You seem to understand that what people like me need is something different/alternative/extra from what I have previously done.

I have  already booked in with an instructor who will visit me. He specialises in nervous/phobic drivers.  So at least I have done something positive. I will see how I get on and as Blindspot suggested not give up until I get what I want. So don't discount a call from me.

You have all really helped and encouraged me. I'll let you know how I get on

Sally

Well done Sally, take it easy! Tell us your progress!

Best wishes

M


"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself."
Abraham Maslow

21st Century Women http://www.loisontheloose.com/my-advent … /the-team/

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#18 10-06-13 15:33:02

sally
Member
Registered: 26-05-13
Posts: 9

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Hello ,

Just thought I would give an update. After all your kind messages and the overriding one YOU HAVE TO JUST DO IT along with THE WAY THAT WORKS FOR YOU.

I had a lesson today ! The first time I have driven a car in an age. And it felt good ! I was a little scared but equally  happy and I was even surprised I remembered how to do it ! I went with an independent who really put me at my ease. I told him I needed to do this at my own pace as I think in retrospect instructors have viewed me as quite a calm relaxed person and more confident than I am and end up in too busy areas. I appear calm but am dying inside, and desparate to finish the lesson.  So I explained all this we stuck to quietish roads and I didn't get out of third ! But I came away totally stress free and with a real boost.

Feel really good right now and looking forward to getting behind the wheel again. I'll let you know how I progress

Sally

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#19 10-06-13 15:37:04

VandADI
Administrator
From: Coulsdon, Surrey
Registered: 29-02-04
Posts: 7,596

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

This is excellent news, well done Sally.
Slowly, bit by bit, your confidence will return  smile

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#20 10-06-13 20:18:36

brod
Banned
Registered: 20-03-13
Posts: 694

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

That's great news Sally, nice one.
As I said in an earlier post, chip away bit by bit, be patient and the end goal will soon arrive.

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#21 10-06-13 20:31:22

la.monikita
Verified Member
From: SE LONDON / KENT
Registered: 12-03-05
Posts: 3,064

Re: Have licence.....scared to drive

Well done Sally and keep it going!


"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself."
Abraham Maslow

21st Century Women http://www.loisontheloose.com/my-advent … /the-team/

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