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#1 22-06-08 16:32:07

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Feel like putting down the car keys

I've just got my first car, 5 months after passing, and I had a horrible driving experience today which has made me want to give up altogether.  sad I just feel like throwing away my car keys and cutting up my licence.

Today my parents made me drive them to town and it was terrible. They just kept shouting at me, my Dad in particular. Everything I was doing seemed to be wrong, and I reckon I could've easily made a fatal mistake and got us into an accident. I did try telling my Dad that I need my confidence building up and that I wasn't receptive to him shouting, but it was just a stream of Dad shouting "for <expletive> sake!", "Why'd you do that?!" "You didn't look did you?!", "GO!", "How come you don't know how to do that?", "You should know this!", "Why can't you park in this space?!".

I knew driving into town was a bad idea - it's a lot busier than I'm used to, and I'm still really fresh to the whole driving thing. But now any self-confidence I had is just gone. I just feel like everything I touch turns to dust. After today I feel too scared to get into the car, even to drive round the block - what if I make a mistake and end up crashing into another car? My dad even said himself that he doesn't reckon I can drive on my own, he can't see how I'll be able to - and I agree with him. Today was atrocious, and without him in the car I would've crashed. How the HECK did I pass my test?

I'm worried about how am I going to manage living away from home and getting to work, after next week, when I'm not competant in the car - I don't think I can get back into it. My confidence is just shattered. All I can think of is all the swearing and shouting from Dad. He's got me thinking that I'm going to crash if I go out on my own. I put it down to being out of practice for all those months, but my mum said she reckons I'm just using that as an excuse, that I should be able to drive.

Basically, I don't think I'm really cut out to drive. Passing my test was just luck. I was really looking forward to getting this car and being able to drive about in it - it was all I could think about for months. Now I don't feel capable and I feel really disappointed in myself because I feel as though I've let myself down - it's something else I'm not good at.  :cry:

After talking about this with a friend, she's set me the challenge of going out for a drive on my own, later this evening when the roads are a lot quieter, and if I don't do it she'll, quote, "Kick my little behind to Timbucktoo", unquote. I really don't know if I can though after today, I feel really nervous and shaken up.  neutral

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22-06-08 16:32:07

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Re: Feel like putting down the car keys



#2 22-06-08 17:03:22

driver69
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Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Hi Laura, sorry to hear about the bad experience but don`t let it put you off.  Five months is a long break after passing, and your parents don`t seem to be the best people to be in the car with at the moment, probably best avoiding that situation until you are more experienced, it is easy for people to forget how they where when they past years ago.

Why not take a couple of refresher lessons or pass plus to build up your confidence and see if anything needs attention.  Maybe you can get and ADI to take you into some busier areas.

I remember when I passed my test, it was a year before I actauly drove again and when I did it was like getting behind the wheel for the first time, my cousin who was with me when I bought the car and drove home feared for his life yikes

Get back on the horse as soon as possible and don`t let it put you off.  Ohh wait I meant car not horse big_smile


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#3 22-06-08 17:11:22

tony adi
Verified Member
From: Selby
Registered: 12-05-08
Posts: 1,233
Website

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Have you thought of booking a few hours of refresher lessons?

Passing your test is not the end of the learning process. You need to learn to build your confidence, your not going to do that with somebody shouting at you or belittling you.


www.selbydriving.co.uk

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#4 22-06-08 17:13:36

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Thank you for your kind words. smile

Yeah, I plan to do Pass Plus, it's just a bit unfortunate for me that my ADI, who I've arranged it with, is on holiday at the moment, and by the time he gets back, I'll have moved into my student house and will need to be reliant on being able to drive - I have restricted mobility and find it difficult to get around. I just feel stuck in a rut at the moment - I don't have the confidence to get back into the car, but at the same time I can't afford to not get out there and get used to it. neutral

Actually before he went away I did have a refresher lesson with my ADI in my car, and everything was fine - I felt at ease, was driving pretty well, and I felt confident. I don't know why I can't hold onto that good experience and get back in the car.  :?

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#5 22-06-08 17:52:12

copone
Verified Member
From: Co. Durham
Registered: 03-07-05
Posts: 89

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Sorry to hear about your experience. Unfortunately Dads' think they know best. Sometimes they don't. He is probably concerned about his daughter coming out into the big world by herself. Take it from me, I have a daughter who is learning to drive, needless to say I am teaching her. But I know what I will be like when she ventures out by herself.
As other instructors advise, it would be a good idea to go out with an instructor just to build up your confidence, or get out as much as you can when the roads are reasonably quiet.
The big question is ? Can your Dad park the car ?


ADI. Class 1 Police Advanced. HGV Class 1. Member of IAM AND DIA. Rospa Gold. National Diploma for Advanced Instruction. and Examiner. IAM fleet trainer. Safed trainer.

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#6 22-06-08 18:55:17

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Yeah he can...

Part of me does want to go out tonight, because it's quiet now, but I just feel really down and been tearful on and off... Would it be a bad idea?

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#7 22-06-08 19:45:49

Lynne
Verified Member
From: Essex
Registered: 05-03-04
Posts: 925

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Oh Laura, poor you that really was the last thing you needed.  You need encouragement and help not to be shouted at.  To be honest, I'd be feeling the same as you; that sort of thing would get me tearful too.  As already said 5 months is a long time and, you said yourself you felt confident before so you know you can do it smile

Hope you've now gone out now for a quiet drive.  Keep to where it's familiar, where you feel safe then gradually increase your circle.

Do you have any friends who've recently passed their test who could recommend an instructor to take you out for Pass Plus or Refresher?

You say you're going to a student house so obviously are off to Uni?  Are you familiar with the area there? 

I have often taken ex pupils out for a bit of refresher training a few months after they've passed their test (and not driven) and a couple of hours out has worked wonders.

Where abouts are you based Laura? Maybe someone here can help you.

Do let us know how you get on.   x

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#8 22-06-08 20:43:27

ExAdiNigel
Member
From: Plymouth, Devon
Registered: 13-12-04
Posts: 4,739

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Since your AI is away at the mo, is there someone else who can sit with you to help you regain your confidence?  You can drive and drive well, deep down you know that.  Two experts have confirmed you can drive well - one was your ADI, you wouldn't have been told to book your test if your ADI didn't believe you were capable of passing.  The other was your examiner.  If you hadn't shown you were capable of driving on your own you wouldn't have passed.

You say that if you parents hadn't been in the car you would have crashed?  Really?  Are you sure the danger wasn't after your Dad had started shouting resulting in you getting flustered & panicky?  I don't believe you would have crashed had you been out on your own.

What things did your Dad mean when he said you should have known this or that?  Could well be referring to things that have changed since he learned to drive?  Unless your Dad is a class 1 Police driver I would suggest he is much LESS of an expert than your ADI or examiner are.

How strong can you be?  Next time your Dad starts shouting at you, stop the car and tell him to either shut up or get out and walk back home! :evil:

You can do this Laura, go back to just doing a short drive around the block, take it slowly and a step at a time to rebuild your confidence.

Where are you based?  Is there anyone on here who could help you until your ADI is back from Holiday?

Nigel


National Standards Cycling Instructor, Ex Adi

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#9 22-06-08 21:42:56

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Lynne: Thanks for your kind and reassuring reply,  smile I'm glad I'm not the only one who'd get tearful! I do feel a bit idiotic when I cry sometimes...  :oops: Until July 1st I'm based in Littlehampton, then I'm off to Chichester. I don't know how comfortable I'd be with an ADI I'm not familar with though, and whom isn't familar with me... I'm a second year at the University of Chichester - I've never driven round there before, but I do know the area is made up of one ways and ring roads.  neutral Good thing is that one of my housemates drives and she's offered to go out with me in the car, and even drive me to work if I still don't feel confident by the time we move in. It would be better if I could do that myself though.

Nigel: When my Dad said "I should have known this!" he was referring to this instance where we were approaching this other big roundabout that was controlled by filter lights. I was too hesistant going round it and getting into the correct lane, but that was because he was making me nervous. neutral I did tell him to shut up once, but I just got "No you should listen to me! I'm more experienced." in reply.

Thank you everyone for reassurance - it's all very comforting to read.  smile

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#10 27-06-08 00:11:15

keith-adi
Verified Member
From: wirral
Registered: 19-07-06
Posts: 830
Website

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

hi laura, most of my pupils tell me that the first time driving alone that if something unusual happens they look to the left? but i'm no longer there - they've passed  big_smile confidence will build quickly if you can pluck up the courage to "go it alone" drive the way you were taught. as nigel said two "experts" decided you where worthy of a licence. a top up lesson or two/pass plus may be a good idea in a new area. good luck  let us know how you get on


We can all drive! some of us don't know it yet!     Smart Start School of Motoring
lessons available Wirral wide.

http://www.smartstart-wirral.com

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#11 27-06-08 08:20:16

onmyown
Verified Member
Registered: 06-06-08
Posts: 99

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Hi laura.
Do try another ADI, it may be you are in a comfort zone with your old ADI, and having a expert stranger at the side of you, may help with your confidence.
I'm sorry but dad needs to be told to lay off.or tell him to read this post and the others.
He may be able to drive, but instructing takes a lot of time, and study, to be able to deliver it, that is why you feel able to drive with your ADI because he instills confidence.
good luck, and go and enjoy driving, you have come a long way allready, simply by posting on here, and if you look above, all the replies are the same, tell DAD

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#12 09-07-08 13:47:54

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Hi

Since I posted here things haven't got much better - I'm still struggling to gain any confidence to drive around on my own as much as I'd like to be able to - my parents are still giving me a hard time over my driving. My dad's still shouting at me, even though we've tried sticking to various "agreements" and my mum's the same. She wanted a lift to Tesco just now and all the way there she was giving me a commentary about how I should be driving. I know she has more experience than me but she didn't give me a chance, she was just pre-empting everything she thought I was going to do. She just wouldn't be quiet, and when I got upset about it and tried talking to her I just got told I was a stroppy little drama queen. sad I just want to try things on my own, without being prompted and learn that way, but they both don't understand.

I start Pass Plus in a couple weeks but now I'm thinking what's the point? The idea of driving is really depressing me now. I feel so disappointed and useless... I just feel like maybe I'm not meant to drive, or if I am, I'm never going to get to the point where I'll feel comfortable and confident enough. My confidence has had too many knocks, I feel like giving up.

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#13 09-07-08 13:52:23

VandADI
Administrator
From: Coulsdon, Surrey
Registered: 29-02-04
Posts: 7,597

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Sorry to say this Laura08, but the only agreement you should be sticking to is not to let your mum and dad in the car, end of......you have to be firm with them, they are totally destroying your confidence and as you have rightly said, you want to try things on your own.  You are not a baby anymore (well, maybe to your parents, you still are) you need to spread your wings and find your own way in life, you will have to find a way to make your parents understand.
Good luck.

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#14 09-07-08 14:02:33

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Yeah, I feel as though maybe I made a mistake in letting them in the car from the beginning. Everytime I've picked myself up confidence-wise, it's like their comments have pushed me onto the floor again - and this is when I've been nice and agreed to drive Mum to Tescos, or picked Dad up from the station.

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#15 09-07-08 14:14:34

evanadi
Guest

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Laura be strong if you can. If your dad continues to make you feel this bad in the car, which could end up in you making a mistake and having a bump then you must stop him getting in the car.

You could suggest that HE books a lesson with an ADI and has HIS driving assessed, see if he is prepared to do that. Either way there is no room for shouting at anyone when they are driving a car. In fact it b loody dangerous and as he is more experienced then you he should know that. Ev

#16 09-07-08 14:31:02

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

That's exactly the point I've tried to make... I've told Dad that when he gets in the car now, whether he shouts or not, I feel nervous before we even set off. I told him that it's like having a lesson with my old piano teacher - there was always the anticipation of her shouting at me for playing a wrong note and when I did, she'd be like, "NO THAT'S NOT C#, PLAY C#... NO THAT'S E, PLAY C!" etc. It's incredibly difficult to perform well under those conditions and it's same with driving. Even Mum agreed with me on that and backed me up (we had the same teacher)... Then she goes and does the same thing when I drove her to Tescos.

Dad's response to him making me nervous was "Well, if you do something that could be dangerous I am going to shout at you, because I'm scared" but it's him making me nervous and flustered by shouting me that's going to cause those dangerous mistakes, if any. In contrast, when I was out driving with my boyfriend the other night, I felt calm and relaxed and I thought things though as I drove and took my time in areas where I wasn't overly confident. I got us back in one piece I thought I drove quite well. Tried explaining that to Dad but he wouldn't have it. I'm just fed up with them both now. Mum's miffed at me because I told her to shut up in the car, Dad will be miffed at me because I told her to shut up in car... UGH.

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#17 09-07-08 14:34:35

onmyown
Verified Member
Registered: 06-06-08
Posts: 99

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Laura.
never give up, you have not mentioned if you have your own car, if you have ban mum and dad from it.
pass plus is a must in your case, Imagine going on the motorway with dad at the side of you.
do it and post back when you have completed what I know will be beneficial to you.
good luck

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#18 09-07-08 14:38:43

onmyown
Verified Member
Registered: 06-06-08
Posts: 99

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Laura
Evanadi is perfectly right i was typing mine in when it was posted, so both of us say the same thing, we have a local ADI that shouts at his pupils, guess what I got 4 of them, you do not have to put up with it, you have now got a full licence and have proved you can drive, you now need to be left alone, if you get dad to go with an ADI sit in the back and you watch how many mistakes he makes, he will be suprised himself, or even better book him an advanced course with your ADI and give it him for christmas or birthday.

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#19 09-07-08 14:40:19

evanadi
Guest

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Well whether they are miffed at you or not Laura, you are the one driving the car not them. Whats actually happening here is that your dad and mum are not good passengers, that is the crux of the matter, and their nerves are transferring onto you, which results in you making more mistakes. If they can't let you drive the car on your own without any interference then you will have to keep them out.

This sort of thing happens so much, especially when parents are giving pupils extra practice. Basically if they haven't got the balls to sit there and shut up, then stay out of the bloo dy car. Ev


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#20 09-07-08 15:37:42

Shazzer
Member
From: Staffs
Registered: 27-01-08
Posts: 203

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

If they can't let you drive the car on your own without any interference then you will have to keep them out.

Sorry to see you're having a rough time of it. I passed last week and have driven so much on my own, I love it.
I even had my first ding, bumper a concrete bollard  yikes but hey, these things happen and i'm getting used to the bigger car.
If your parents can't butt out, pull over, in a safe, legal and convenient place, and ask them to get out.  wink

Can you go out without them?? just potter about and get yourself motivated again??
Good luck

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#21 09-07-08 15:56:03

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Yeah, despite my rant earlier (sorry about that) I plan to go out again on my own tomorrow - too annoyed/drained to go out now. I still feel a bit upset - when I passed I didn't think driving would be so much agro - I thought my parents would let me get on with it and I'd be out enjoying my car as much as possible - but things haven't turned out like that so far. Maybe I take it all too much to heart? Their negativity makes me doubt my own ability.

On friday I have to drive the 20 minute journey along a busy dual carriageway (the A27) on my own to get to work and back - starting a new job. I suppose I'll know more by then how I feel about driving. After this afternoon I'm kinda dreading it... lots. I need to toughen up methinks. 

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#22 10-07-08 13:11:12

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Update: Went on a drive just now, to practice driving to work. It went well in the sense that I made it to the A27 in one piece - the drive went well, I didn't get lost smile - but it also went badly in the sense that once I approached my first big roundabout on the A27 I saw how busy it was and bottled it. sad

So instead of taking the first exit to the left, I indicated to go into the right-hand lane, in order to go all the way round to the fourth exit and back through where I came from... Except I struggled to find a gap to go, and someone was beeping me because I was taking so long. It felt horrible - I started to feel really nervous, sweaty palms and I could feel pins and needles going through my arms... although I found that gap eventually and drove back home! It was just so busy, and I didn't feel safe to go when maybe I could've done. On reflection, I shouldn't have bottled it and I should've just carried onto the first exit as originally planned. I would've made it to work.

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#23 10-07-08 17:30:24

Shazzer
Member
From: Staffs
Registered: 27-01-08
Posts: 203

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

The first exit may have been easier to make too! Well done for having a go, you CAN do it. sod other drivers beeping, you're being safe and making sure you can fit safely.

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#24 10-07-08 17:43:13

Laura08
Member
Registered: 22-06-08
Posts: 11

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Thanks  smile

Yeah, maybe it'll be okay tomorrow when I take the first exit as planned, and perhaps it won't be as busy on the roundabouts at 10:30 am... Even though I feel more confident after today (I failed to drive to where I work, but at least I made it to the dual carriageway - further than I've ever driven on my own before!!) I still feel incredibly nervous about tomorrow, sick to the stomach nervous.  sad

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#25 10-07-08 23:04:46

Lynne
Verified Member
From: Essex
Registered: 05-03-04
Posts: 925

Re: Feel like putting down the car keys

Laura while we have light evenings try and go out when it's quieter (but before the boy racers come out after Mummy has given them their tea).

Ban your parents; be with people who make you feel calm.  If they don't like how you drive they shouldn't be in the car.  Do Pass Plus it will help you.

First exit should be easier than any other unless it's a very strange laid out roundabout.

Really just go out little and often.  Do practice runs to places you are not sure of so you know the route and any odd road layout. 

Keep at it Missus and let us know how you get on

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