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#1 03-05-07 23:45:49

AndyBerry
Guest

Couple of little jokes I heard today....

Chinese man calls his boss. He say's "I sick. I no work today.". His boss says "When I'm sick, I f*** my wife. Makes me feel better. Try it and let me know later." 2 hours later, the chinese man phones his boss again. "You right, it helped. Your house nice"


And:
I got offered a job today with the brittle bones society. They offered me just over £20,000 a year. I snapped the blokes hand off!

03-05-07 23:45:49

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Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....




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#2 04-05-07 18:53:49

Disky
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From: Central Scotland
Registered: 10-03-05
Posts: 1,333
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Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

lolol

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#3 04-05-07 19:17:11

EKAL
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From: East Kilbride
Registered: 23-04-06
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Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since his family lives on

A farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores. "Not yet," said the

Little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.


Well, he's a little ticked, so he goes to feed the chickens, and

He kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He

Goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for

Breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.


"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any

Milk in my cereal?" he asks.


"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't

Get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any

Bacon for a week either. ! I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week

You aren't getting any milk."


Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat

Halfway across the kitchen.


The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says

"Are you going to tell him, or should I?"


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#4 04-05-07 19:21:31

EKAL
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From: East Kilbride
Registered: 23-04-06
Posts: 1,050
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Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

A man with no arms entered the world masturbating championship



He didnt come anywhere


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#5 04-05-07 19:22:01

EKAL
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From: East Kilbride
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Posts: 1,050
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Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to heaven... which part of your body goes first?"
Susy raised her hand and said. "I think it's your hands."
"Why do you think it's your hands, Susy?"
Susy replied "because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."
"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.



Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister. I think it's your feet."
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.
"Now, little Johnny why do you think it would be your feet?"
Little Johnny said, "The other night Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying












"OH! GOD, I'M COMING!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."


The nun fainted........


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#6 04-05-07 19:54:01

binty1968
Verified Member
From: Hants/Surrey border
Registered: 22-02-06
Posts: 1,691
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Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

A man with no arms entered the world masturbating championship



He didnt come anywhere

lol very good

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#7 04-05-07 21:29:59

pinball
Verified Member
From: lancashire
Registered: 18-11-06
Posts: 1,149
Website

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

A son walks in the door and says to his dad I have just had sex for the first time,
Congrats dad says to son well getting a couple of beers out of the fridge to celebrate.
Have you any questions son?
Yes how long will my arse hurt.

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#8 04-05-07 21:41:02

pinball
Verified Member
From: lancashire
Registered: 18-11-06
Posts: 1,149
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Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

Dad says to his son now you are going to college we will need to visit the chemist son for some condoms, As they arrive at the chemist dad picks up a pack of three and hands them to his son.

Son turns and looks at dad and says what will i need three for? Well son Friday, Saturday, and sunday nights.
Just then son says whats the pack of six far dad? Well thats when you to university son Tuesday,
Wednesday, Thursday,Friday,Saturday, sunday,

All of sudden son looks up at dad with a big smile on his face and says whats the pack of twelve for dad?
Well son thats for when you are married January, February, march, April, lol

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#9 04-05-07 22:01:54

EKAL
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From: East Kilbride
Registered: 23-04-06
Posts: 1,050
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Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

BLONDE MOMENT ;D

A man was in his front garden mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbour came out of the house, went straight to the mail box and then stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mailbox and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."


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#10 04-05-07 22:04:57

Disky
Verified Member
From: Central Scotland
Registered: 10-03-05
Posts: 1,333
Website

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

hahahahahahahah

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#11 04-05-07 22:05:38

EKAL
Verified Member
From: East Kilbride
Registered: 23-04-06
Posts: 1,050
Website

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and
sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When
he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The
bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it
would taste better if you bought one at a time."


The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left
home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all
drank together."


The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The
Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he
orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of
them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other
regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.


When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I
don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences
on your great loss."


The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye
and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......


I've quit drinking!"


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#12 04-05-07 22:06:07

EKAL
Verified Member
From: East Kilbride
Registered: 23-04-06
Posts: 1,050
Website

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

I walked into B&Q at lunchtime today and some old guy, dressed in orange, asked me if I wanted decking.

Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that was the end of that lol lol


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#13 05-05-07 09:50:33

AndyBerry
Guest

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

Wife says to hubby "did you know a bull can manage sex every day! Thats 365 times a year!" Husband replies "Yes, but he doesn't have to shag the same BLEEP!!! COW!"


Why did the cripple go to hell? Because it's a stairway to heaven!


A man goes into superdrug and asks "Have you got any K.Y.Jelly?" The assistant says "no, have you tried boots?" The man says "I want to slide in, not march in!"


Doctor rings man about his wife and says "bad news, the tests were mixed up at the lab. She's either got alzheimers or aids." The man asks "What do I do?" Doctor replies "Put her on the bus, if she finds her way back, don't shag her!"


If god made the front of a womans body, who made the back? THE COUNCIL! Who else would but a ***** hole next to a play area?


God appears to a man and says "If you give up fags, drink and sex, you'll go to heaven". Couple of weeks later, god reappears. "So how did you get on?" The man says "The fags and the drink weren't difficult. However the other day when my wife bent over the freezer to get some meat out, I couldn't resist giving her one." God says "They don't like that in heaven". The man says "They don't like that in ASDA either!"

#14 06-06-08 01:08:50

EKAL
Verified Member
From: East Kilbride
Registered: 23-04-06
Posts: 1,050
Website

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE TALIBAN.

Now we know what to look out for and how to spot our enemy


1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to
beer.

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you
can't afford shoes.

3. You have more wives than teeth.

4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon
"unclean."

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives
in your clothing

8. You've felt the urge to "rub one off" after seeing a woman's exposed
ankle

9. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than
setting off roadside bombs.

10. You've even uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your
cave."


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#15 06-06-08 01:10:32

EKAL
Verified Member
From: East Kilbride
Registered: 23-04-06
Posts: 1,050
Website

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

A Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest.
He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English."
They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English."
Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?"
"they dont when I'm driving the bus" was the response tongue.


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#16 06-06-08 01:16:32

EKAL
Verified Member
From: East Kilbride
Registered: 23-04-06
Posts: 1,050
Website

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

Theres a scottish, english and irishman

'Y'know' says the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow. There's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'

'Well,' replies the Englishman, 'at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhhhh, that's nothing,' says the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, and another again... all the drinks you like.
Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house.'

The and Scotsman and the Englishman dismiss the Irishman's claims. But he swears every word is true.

'Well,' asks the Englishman, 'did this actually happen to you?'

'Not me meself, personally, no,' says the Irishman, 'But it DID happen to me sister.'


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#17 16-06-08 22:09:43

Mars
Verified Member
Registered: 01-06-08
Posts: 42
Website

Re: Couple of little jokes I heard today....

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other ?...................Illeen

What do you call a Chinese woman with one leg shorter than the other?.........Irene

Blond looks into a hand mirror and says, "Who the hell is that ?"...Blond friend takes the mirror of her, looks into it and says distainfully, "Its ME you idiot"......

 

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